[two images taken from above the clouds. A rainbow is visible below the clouds.]
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Latest in the Del Sol development. LED conversion on most major bulbs (reverse, indicator, fog, and license plate lights). Purple Under Dash Glow LEDS, Purple Aluminum shift knob. Painted the front reflectors cause I can’t stand amber. Got my Pioneer amp and 12 Kicker sub fitting perfectly in the back. Loving how it’s turning out.
Don’t feel the need to read this. Ventilation incoming…
What follows will sound like such petty squabble, but I’ve been needing a place to vent for a long time, and what a better place to do so than on Tumblr to a random audience. Lately I’ve been feeling a lot of the pressure of adulthood, moreso in the last few months than ever before, which seems surprising given that I turn 30 soon. I’ve always prided myself in being very level-headed and mellow individual. I get stressed like anyone else, but I’m usually able to shrug it off by getting lost in video games or spending time with my friends. I don’t feel like this is the case any longer. I’m feeling so unmotivated to do anything, to talk to anyone. A lot of this has to do with situations that are way beyond my control, and I feel like every step I take forward, I fall back three. Money is a big one right now. About 3 months ago I decided to really step up and be more financially savvy. The problem with this one is timing though, by this time, I struggle to make payments on my debts, and when I start to see the light at the end of the tunnel, something else is thrown at me that I have to figure out how to pay off. It doesn’t help that I just took an overseas trip where I was under the notion that most of the trip would be paid by entities other than myself, which ended up not being entirely the case. Now I’m back to surrendering more of my paychecks to catch up.
Another issue is that someone very close to me is going through a lot of stress in her life with family, and I’m the only logical outlet for her to unleash her frustrations and angers. I have to walk on eggshells and be very careful about any little minor thing in my life, for fear that I might trigger a stressful response. You can’t get angry at someone who literally losing their mind, but the situation does warrant anger, and I’ll happily continue to bear the frustrations in my direction. But even this can prove to be too much at times, coupled on top of other factors in my life. In regards to the overseas trip mentioned before, I took a lot of time off work hoping I would come home rejuvenated and ready to get back to my professional life. This isn’t the case. Most of my trip was spent trying to make sure other parties were happy, which often proved a fruitless endeavor, and so my efforts to make sure others had a good time on their trip was probably trivial. Now I’m back at work, with two less weeks in my Time Off bank, feeling like I actually worked MORE than if I had just stayed at my actual job, which I wish I did. Now it’s going to be some time before I can time off work to recharge my own batteries.
Stagnation. That’s a fun word, I feel like if stagnation made a sound, it would sound like the word stagnation, an onomatopoeia of sorts. That’s what I’ve been feeling a lot lately as well, and oddly enough, even though I’ve been doing the same job for almost 5 years now, I don’t feel stagnant in my professional life. A lot of this problem is me. I don’t reach out to my friends as much as I’d like, or do things out of the house (a problem mostly linked to my current financial situation [can’t afford to crack cold ones with the boys]). I often feel guilty for wanting to do something with my friends on a whim, and so I don’t reach out to anyone. Anything I do with my friends must be planned weeks in advance, or it shouldn’t happen. It didn’t use to be like this. We randomly got together all the time, and it was fun, and interesting, and kept the stagnation at bay. Maybe this is a product of approaching 30, where everyone begins to settle into a routine and professional life, and anything that rocks the boat should be suppressed and ignored. But I don’t want this. If growing up means that I don’t get to see my friends, I don’t want any part of it. My friends are my family. Even when I get together with my pals nowadays, I feel there needs to be a certain structure to it, and this feeling is no doubt related to my anxiety and OCD, otherwise I don’t enjoy myself. I don’t typically even bother to hide when I’m not happy with a situation that was unplanned arises from social situations, and I feel selfish for it.
I’m not sure what I can do to fix this, or even what ‘this’ is. Could it be I’m finally feeling this thing called ‘depression’? I don’t know. I don’t think so. I can still smile, and I still wake up and put shoes on my feet, I’m showering daily and I keep my house clean. But then again, depression is not a tangible state of mind, and manifests itself in different ways. I don’t like to cry wolf on such things, so I won’t jump to conclusions. I’m just kind of over this status quo. I need something. I’m tired of putting others before me. I’m tired of smiling when the situation calls for the complete opposite.

